


it's time for me to leave, but i'll never leave you

by moonchxldelxo



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Freeform, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long-Distance Relationship, Online Relationship, Other, References to Depression, Suicide Notes, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28941522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonchxldelxo/pseuds/moonchxldelxo
Summary: but in the end, we’re just stupid kids in love, right?
Kudos: 1





	it's time for me to leave, but i'll never leave you

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this to vent a little bit because i was depressed at like 5am and here we are. i still kinda vibe with it so i thought i'd share it.  
> not many people are probably gonna see this/read it but for those of you that are here thank you :D
> 
> also pog first post on ao3!!
> 
> i might have forgotten some tags so lmk if i missed any!!

3 am. different day, same thing. questionable thoughts, and fake smiles. cigarettes and daydreams, trying to escape to anywhere really, anywhere far from this reality. 

all i think is “why?” 

why was i put on this earth, it’s not like anyone cares or anyone misses me.

that’s all i thought until one day. one day i get a friend request and a stupid message on discord and the next thing i know i stay up all night talking to them. 

_ they made me forget. made me realize that it may not be that bad. helped me escape from this hellscape for a while. _

a couple of months passed, and feeling blossomed. late nights, early mornings, just to talk to them. they made everything alright and for once i felt like i was fine.

but in the end, we’re just stupid kids in love, right?

maybe. maybe not. but that’s what i was told. i was told to get my act together and start living in the real world. my parents saw the messages, saw all that we said, yet they still took away the one person that made me happy. 

restrictions. that’s all they were, i thought. they’ll forget about it and i’ll be fine. it’ll just be a couple of days, right? 

wrong.

a couple of days turned into weeks that turned into months and i was back to suffering once again. everything good that comes to me always ends. almost like fate is telling me i’m not worth all the wasted happiness.

so here i sit in my own wallows, sneaking cigarettes late at night. steal some of my dad’s beers, go on late night walks with no place in mind. months and months have passed and yet still, all i can think of is you. sitting in the dark with a beer and a cigarette and a phone but basically no access to you, no one to tell my thoughts to but the moon. and the moon’s probably tired of it at this point. tired of hearing my sob story of a life. so i get up and wander some more. 

i wander until i find a pier, and i act before i think, pulling out my phone. and then i see the home screen, a picture you sent before we became history.

a yellow post-it note with a messy heart and a somehow semi-misspelled je t’aime. i remember the night you sent that. and i remember my reaction too. shocked you remembered such a small thing about me, a small detail of being kind of semi-fluent because of school. i remember you replying “of course i remember, how could i forget when i made you speak french, asked you to say something just because i thought you were joking.” i remember smiling and laughing at the thought of me a couple of months ago, on a call with you, speaking through a sleepy haze something along the lines of “pourquoi je devrais mentir? oui je parle français. bien un peu, parce que je prends le français à l'école” and i remember you silent on the other line for a while then laughing slightly and replying “that’s actually pretty cool. what the fuck did you even say though?” laughing once more, i replied with a semi right translation of “why’d i lie? yea i speak french. only a little though, because i take french at school,” followed by me saying that some part of what i said was probably wrong. we ended up staying up all night and then we finally confessed, finally realized what we had was more, was special. 

and just as soon as it started, as soon as it was getting better, it was ripped away from us. all because my parents said that it would never last and that it was just a stupid high school relationship, that it wouldn’t be long term. then being forced to let them read the messages that we sent as i sat on the couch and wondered what stupid punishment they would give me for going behind their back. and that stupid punishment was restrictions on my phone, on all the ways i could contact my internet friends. all i was left with was the default messaging app on my phone and no friends left to talk to and i laughed sadly, hoping that this would be short term. but it wasn't, sadly. 

i was brought back from my thoughts by a light breeze, realizing what i was doing previously. opening spotify, i looked for a specific song, and when i found it, i copied the link. navigating to discord and then realizing that it wouldn't work. i sighed and opened the settings app, fumbling through the pages and subpages and randomly pressing buttons hoping that it’ll do something. i finally gave up after a couple of minutes realizing that this probably wouldn’t do anything but still tried to open discord anyway. with some stroke of luck, discord opened and loaded. i saw our messages and forced myself to not scroll through and reread them, try to not relive more memories. i typed out a message and pressed send.

the next thing i know, the cool water is greeting me, surrounding me as i slowly sink. acceptance slowly setting in, realizing what ive done. then everything starts fading to black. i sigh, sad smile making its way to my face and think “finally done.”

you woke up a couple of hours later with a notification that i send you a message. you thought you were seeing things, going to discord to reinforce that you weren’t. you saw my message. all it said was:

thank you for everything love <3

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/3pigeiip5ujatvb9e9n1z5 ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3piGeiIp5UJATvb9e9n1Z5)

you clicked on the song:  _ play this when i’m gone by machine gun kelly. _ and then you realized. you realized what had happened as the tears slipped down your face. panicking you tried to call me, but i didn’t answer. i would never answer.

you were my only hope, you saved me. 

and when that was taken away from me, i had nothing.

so i left.

now i’m gone and the last thing i ever said was to you.

the only person that’s ever meant anything to me, been able to bring me true happiness, been able to show me love, been able to make me feel love. we had what i always wanted, something close to the stupid and cheesy love you always see in the movies. or our own version of it at least. 

you never truly forgot me, and even though you’d never know, i’m thankful. thankful for all that you did for me, always willing to look past the surface, looking inside and finding the realness. and once again, you’ll never know, but i still haven’t forgotten you either, love.

you still push through, thoughts of me passing through your head and you still can’t listen to that song i sent without crying, without thinking of what you could have done. wishing i was still here and that you could rush to me and say  _   
_ _ “everything may not be alright but i’m right here with you.” _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, i really appreciate it :D  
> this isn't my best work but i'm still kind of proud of it so i hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> and thank you to my friend who convinced me to post this
> 
> lmk what you guys think of it because i'm genuinely curious


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